The Housewives’ Guide To Anatomy

Dear Housewife, What is your preferred way of coping with a hangover? XQ

Dear XQ

Today I stayed in bed all day reading Proust; I find Proust is the best hangover cure out there. His description of the flowering hawthorn makes me wonder at how mechanical my life has become, how predictable. I wish I weren’t a machine! I’m like a living keyboard, but my escape key is sticky.

I haven’t traveled in years, not since that last trek across Siberia. The miners were so generous, cooking me squirrel stew with an obvious Tuscan influence. But while their squirrels were delicious, their bears were authentically Russian. I sat in the snow watching the bears dance, and after a while I noticed that their arms were prostheses. You could just make out the plastic and ball bearings where the dark fur had worn away.

The queen of the miners sat yawning in her furry hood, and I thanked her for her kindness, especially touching in the frozen wastes. Lady Wristband’s delicious squirrel is a meal I will never forget!

“Dear Housewives’ Guide,
My children think I’m a monster. I’m afraid they’re disappearing from my life.
[unsigned]”

Dear anonymous,

Don’t fret! You’ve been a wonderful mother, I’m certain of it, else you wouldn’t be writing in to us with such concerns! Children become larger children and larger children become ghostly children. It’s perfectly natural for them to fade in and out of intelligibility, and it’s unlikely they’ll blink out for good. Relax. Think of how delightful it will be when they’ve grown up and become tangible again. And remember when you were a little ghostly thing: everything with solid edges seemed a monster.

Yours,
n

p.s. - Future enquirers: please do make sure your question is properly in the form of one! Manners, manners!